Where’s a dartboard when you need one

Today’s theme:

Freaking. Out.

Here is a list:

(explaining why)

(because I like lists)

(!!!!!!)

1. I can’t move. My ankle has reduced me to a crawling hobbling pathetic excuse of a mobile being and if I didn’t spend so much time alone.. I would be embarrassed (we will touch on this more in point 2). I hate crutches because they are closer to javelins in terms of helpfulness than actual assistance to my cause. I genuinally fear for stranger’s limbs around me when I use them. So instead of potentially injuring others, I attempted to do this awkward walk jump hop thing today at the supermarket while people chased me down (3 people actually) asking me if I would like a wheel chair or a motorized scooter. I momentarily considered the motorized scooter mobile but only because I really like to practice for when I am 80 and can run people down without any kind of sympathetic response. But I am not 80 yet, and those things only go like 2 miles per hour and I would really feel terrible running anyone down UNLESS they deserved it. And I can’t think of a good reason for someone to be deserving enough to be run down by a motorized scooter at a supermarket at 2 o’clock on a Tuesday. So alas, I declined. And I also spent the majority of the day at home. On my couch. Which is not that unusual, except today I didn’t really have a choice.

2. Dylan left for Indiana today and won’t be back until Friday. That’s 3 whole days BY MYSELF. And honestly guys that’s just really not ok. I am now not only immobile.. I am immobile and in solitary confinement. People are tortured in deserts in government facilities in these conditions. Granted, they don’t have television or the internet or Iphones or Facebook BUT STILL, I’m worried about myself. Remember that scene in Rocket man where he doesn’t get into the right sleep chamber and then has to spend 8 months alone by himself? Ya. Me. In three days.

In case you have no idea what I am talking about… here is the clip, abridged, but still extremely accurate.

3. I just experienced extreme sadness (involved crying) and extreme happiness (involved laughter) after watching two separate tv shows. All of this took place by myself.

Diagnosis: -I miss Grey’s Anatomy. I love how their lives parallel with their patients cases and lives. I love Meredith and Derek’s relationship. I want to be a doctor. I don’t want to be a doctor. I want to marry a doctor. I don’t want to marry a doctor. I want to hang out with these people and save lives and eat chocolate all day. Also, I discovered that the first disc of season two is missing from my collection. This was devastating.

– The New Girl (a new show starting TONIGHT) was very funny. I laughed by myself at how awkward Zooey Deschanel is, but also because she sort of reminds me of me. And that is both scary and flattering. Because she’s awkward in a charming and cute way. Which makes me awkward in the same way …right? RIGHT GUYS!? I would also like her to also be my friend. And eat chocolate all day.

Also, here’ the trailer. You should watch it. It’s funny. I want my own theme song.

4. Is it too much to ask for some stability right now? I don’t just mean ankle stability, but yes that too, but I mean in some form of my life. I mean yes, the whole job thing is still looming like an evil cloud over my head. Or more accurately, like one of those machines with a claw and you are trying to get that one pink squirrel stuffed animal and you’ve put in at least 45 quarters (which would honestly pay for a fleet of pink squirrels) but no matter how much you suck at this stupid claw game you just keep playing because you really just want that one stupid pink squirrel? Ya, that’s what my job search feels like. And my life. Like I’m playing a vending machine claw game trying to win something that I don’t even know that I want but I’ve put in so much time and effort at this point that I can’t possibly give up. When do I win huh!? This can be construed on all aspects of my life.

….However, in some regards, I finally put down the controller and gave up on the game. Sometimes, you don’t win the squirrel. Sometimes, the squirrel sucks. And you realize you should go play Skee ball instead.

Ok, enough with the arcade metaphors. See, I TOLD YOU I am going crazy.

5. baby thoughts:

– WTF is going on with Facebook? It’s having more of an identity crisis than I am. If it was a person, I would be like chill out, don’t make things so complicated. In fact, if Facebook was a person, it would be a girl with serious insecurity issues who felt the need to constantly change for some guy and she’d probably be really fake and talk behind your back and put on too much makeup and always wear really cheap heels. So screw you Facebook, you’re a terrible friend.

– I need to stop baking. I basically make 18 brownies, cupcakes, cookies etc.etc. for myself. I have no one to give this shit too. This is self-destructive behavior, Meg. Baking 30 cupcakes for yourself is madness. Delicious. But retarded.

– I hate laundry. I hate paying to do laundry. I legitimately get angry at the washing and drying machines for forcing me to give it money to do something I dislike doing anyway. One time I kicked the dryer and some guy saw me do it and smiled. I almost threw a semi-wet sock at him. Needless to say, there isn’t a friendship in our future. With random smiling man or the dryer.

Ok. I feel slightly better now. I need to get out of this apartment tomorrow or I will scream.Even it’s just to lay on the sidewalk outside my building. Which is admittedly sort of strange. But I’m not completely above doing. And tomorrow’s Wednesday! Best day of the week even if you are a semi-crippled, semi- unemployed, semi-awkward girl going through a semi-quarter life crisis.

Hmmkay, bye now.

m

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