deal or no deal

Everyone should have a list of things we like to ever so fondly refer to as “deal-breakers.”

for example…

For those of you just joining us on this topic (WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN??), a “deal-breaker” is different than a “turn-off” in that a turn-off (ok, enough with the quotation marks.. I wasn’t even sure if I was using them right and they are getting in the way of my point) is something you can work around, learn to get used to, maybe even enjoy, while a deal-breaker is.. obviously, a dead end. You can’t get past it. It’s over before it has begun. A deal-breaker isn’t a game-changer. A deal-breaker is a game-ender.

For example:

I could be turned off by the fact that a guy drives a motorcycle (which I am. Motorcycles are loud and annoying and you can’t listen to music properly on them and no one looks good in that much leather minus maybe.. a cow) BUT I could learn to get over the whole motorcycle thing if it didn’t define said driver’s whole identity. If the bike was simply a component of this person, not a representation of their whole lifestyle, I could deal.

HOWEVER, It would be a deal-breaker if the owner of said motorcycle also thought he was in a biker gang (or actually WAS in a biker gang) and wore bandannas and had several gold teeth and constantly felt the need to light things on fire. Actually, now that I think about it.. bikers are a lot like land-locked pirates. And in case you were wondering being a pirate is also a deal-breaker. Except in the case of Johnny Depp. (there are exceptions to every rule)

In my opinion, everyone should have their own list of deal-breakers and if not …god, I hope you get some soon because its called STANDARDS and it will keep you from dating/marrying/etc etc just any old piece who happened to look your way twice. Tough love guys. Don’t just marry Jose from the liquor store because he smiles at you when you buy tequila. (Unless Jose from the liquor store is actually a good guy.. but I’m going to go out on a limb and say 90 percent of the Liquor Store Joses have a few skeletons (hopefully not real ones) that need to be kept in their own closets.. not yours.)

Mostly I guess, I think everyone, girls and guys included, should have some golden list of universal deal-breakers. Certain things about a significant other that make one go… hmmm, ok. GOODBYE. But there isn’t one. At least written. So, I have taken it upon myself, as the Moses of the 10 commandments of universal deal-breakers, to do just that. (of course, these are still just opinion… taken by God himself!!!

…Ok, dramatic sorry.. they are really just mine.)

(What should be) The Top 10 UNIVERSAL Deal-breakers

in ANY relationship in America.

…and maybe Europe

10. They suffocate and overdose you with ridiculous, bizarre and creepy pet names.

Under no circumstances at any time, any where, at ANY POINT are you to ever refer to yourself as Daddy. Or to call the guy you are with daddy. That’s f*cking weird. I’m not sorry about this. Your father.. is the guy you are RELATED TO. and to refer to the person you are potentially dating/hooking up with as such is entirely too close with an arkansas-keep-it-all-in-the-family-sick-creepy-shakespeare-reference. It makes me want to gag. It’s disturbing. Only Usher can potentially pull this off.. and let’s be real, the guy refers to himself as Usher. No last name. When you can say you have reached that caliber of fly, maybe we can talk. Until then, I’m going to call you by your real name.

Please also see: anything that combines baking and physical attributes (stud muffin, sweet cheeks), and pretty much any name that could also be confused as a title for your pet pomeranian that you dress up for every holiday occasion (boo-boo, cookie and button-nose.) ….Really guys? Do you want some tampons with that emasculation? And girls, he’s your boyfriend. Not your dog. Take a freaking bone from Matthew McConnahey and cut the Princess Sophia crap.

9. They cheated on their significant other to be with you.

So, you found someone really great! Congrats. They are laid-back and fun and easy on the eyes and have all the things that you are looking for (total fireworks). One small miniscule insignificant problem…. they are already attached. Hey! No sweat. They are totally willing to hook up with you on the side and MAYBE you even convinced them they should break-up with the OTHER GIRL/GUY and date you.

Score. High five!

…Ok, you’re an idiot. I don’t believe in the cheat once and get it out of your system thing. If you don’t realize you’re just the flavor of the week until something else bright and shiny and more flexible comes along, then maybe you deserve what’s coming for you. I guess there are exceptions to this.. but people who cheat don’t just happen to cheat. Yes.. They know what they’re doing. So, do yourself a favor and step away from the deal-breaking pretty person, and run for your life. You’ll thank me later.

8. Basic hygiene… not there.

Um hello!? I feel this is obvious. But apparently not. You want to impress the opposite sex? Take a FREAKING shower. Hey girls, it’s called a hair brush. Your bar hair from the night before? It’s been 10 hours and the back looks like something is nesting there. It’s not cute. You’re not on Gossip girl. You don’t look like a million bucks. You look and smell like a bottle of vodka. Get your shit together. And stop wearing your pajamas as day wear. No one wants to get down with a girl wearing hello kitty boxers as shorts to the grocery store. Why do you even own hello kitty boxers? There are deeper issues here.

And guys? Wearing that sweatshirt that has pizza stains on it from a week ago? That’s disgusting. That object in the basement of your house that’s white and groans when you put things in it? Yeah.. that’s called a washing machine! USE IT and things get clean. Like magic! Oh, and drowning yourself in Axe body spray never does quite the same job as a solid soap scrubbing in the shower….And yes, we can tell the difference.

I’m not asking for a obsessive compulsive flosser (in fact, that’s overkill. no one flosses THAT much.) But the basics, will keep someone around in the future. And ignoring these basics, will make you a deal-breaker fast. Repeat after me: mouth. wash.

7. Blackout is their middle name.

We all know the guy/girl who are regularly incapable of drinking without blacking out, getting kicked out of the bar, attempting fights with a large black bouncer (with karate skills no less), puke in the bushes and pee in a chair all while sobbing incoherently about how much they want onion rings from Red Robin (YUM). And to be that person on occasion, is completely acceptable if not totally entertaining for everyone around them. However, to be that person all the time? Hey, if you are reading this and thinking, “Haha! Dude, that’s so me every Friday! Sorry, I’m awesome.” One, you are not awesome. But I am going to guess you ARE single. No, blackout hook-ups do not count. And two, you probably don’t know this but I’m also going to guess 90% of the people around you make fun of you behind your back because of how much FUN you are. Newsflash: learn how to drink. Stop pissing yourself in public. Stop blacking out consume alcohol.

AND if you ARE dating someone like this, why don’t you quit playing nanny and get yourself someone who doesn’t drool on themselves all weekend long and calls you by their ex’s name. You deserve to at least sleep in a bed with someone without the fear they are going to hurl on your pillow. But first draw a big penis on their forehead. They totally love stuff like that!

6.Two words: Chris. Brown.

For once, I don’t think I need to elaborate.

So deceiving with the puppy. So, so deceiving.

5. they’re constantly stirring some dramatic pot of shit.

They thrive in drama. Not necessarily their own, but it usually turns out that way. You seriously can’t have a conversation with this person without leaving feeling like you’re on the verge of getting in an argument.

How do you live like this?

Who needs all that drama?

This person needs a serious therapist, not a serious relationship.

And I don’t care how hot they are or what they are going to do some day for a living, if you are dating a drama queen/king get the hell out of there because 2/3 of the time they are going to be driving you completely insane.

And that is how male pattern baldness and wrinkles happen my friends.

See some wrinkles? Blame a dramatic person in your past relationships. Me? I’m going to look like freaking Halle Berry when I’m 80 because I make it a point to run away from dramatic situations unless they are completely unavoidable.

I’m going to look awesome.


Your crazy ex-girlfriend that you stayed with for 4 years? Yeah, you’ll be bald by 50. Sorry.


4. They are over-employed. Or under-employed.

This is going to be a slightly controversial subject.

Due to the economic failure that is our economy.. many, many people graduated college and moved back home with mom and dad. You really can’t knock them for this. It’s when someone has every intention of making moving back home a semi-permanent investment that you should be concerned. Also, if said person has no plans of future employment. And a terrible shopping and/or drug addiction.

On the other hand, getting involved with someone who has essentially zero free-time out of their job is also a pretty big deal-breaker. Believe me, I nanny for women who married the men with no free time and who are now their wives who never see them. I’ve been sitting for a lady for two years now and I have yet to EVER meet her husband. Does he even exist? Does she make him up? I see him in pictures and pretend he has an accent and does drug deals for the mob. And yeah, it’s a little sad. (that he’s never there.. not that I make up fake stories about him. That’s awesome.) But come on! She had to have known what she was getting herself into. You make your own bed. Now go sleep in it.

3. Brainless wonders.

There’s actually a clause in this particular deal-breaker. Sometimes, people can’t help how stupid they are. And sometimes, one idiot meets another and it’s beautiful and totally works out and they procreate to make more idiots and that is, ladies and gentlemen, how the Jersey Shore was born.

But if you aren’t an idiot.. And if you have to ask yourself if you are, there’s a Jersey marathon on today and shouldn’t you be watching that instead? If you aren’t an idiot, you shouldn’t settle for one. Your reasons could be limitless… but they’re so fun to look at! But they sometime say smart things! But they aren’t always like that! But they don’t act like that in front of me!.. Ok, yeah, they’re idiots and you are acting like one for making excuses for them.

Get a brain, grow a pair, and leave Ms. or Mr. dipstick back at the bar doing jager bombs off some equally retarded waitress’s cleavage.

Some clues you’re dating an idiot:

they cheated their way through college… and they still didn’t graduate in 4 years.

– they like totally like don’t understand what you are like talking about like all the time. teehee.

Wise up brainiac, drop the moron and get someone who can have a whole conversation with you without just talking about beer, boobs, or Bieber.

2. they always have to be right.

You’re dating a control freak. I bet that’s fun in the bedroom. Guess what? No one is right all the time. I’m only right like 94 percent of the time and I’m like really, really smart! Also, no one likes to be corrected oneverything right? So why are you putting up with this? Here’s a question the know-it-all’s in your life can get right. You’re breaking up with me? Yep! You are correct! Again! Congratulations! And peace out! Deuces! Sayanara! (japanese for goodbye.. but they already knew that)

And the number one thing that should be a deal-breaker in all of America and maybe in Europe?

They don’t make you happy. At the end of the day, who cares what they look like or what they do for a living or how much money they make or if they have terrible taste in music and hate dogs? If they make you happy, that’s it. That’s all you need. Point in case, either someone makes you content or they don’t. If they don’t.. why are you forcing this?

Listen, I’m by no means a love doctor. But it seems to me that the best kinds of relationships are the ones that keep it simple. That don’t complicate things with material and sociological issues. You can find deal-breaker after deal-breaker in someone but there should be only be really one thing that makes a relationship really work. And if someone makes you happy… then, what are you waiting for?

And now I want to watch The Notebook.


..”The simplest answer is usually the most correct one”


3 thoughts on “deal or no deal

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