Witchful Thinking: A Halloween How-To

Sometimes, I like to pretend I am living a really romantic and poetic life. You know the kind you’d see in the first few minutes of the latest indie film where some girl who looks like she stepped out of a Free People photo shoot is lighting candles while Bon Iver plays in the background.

And you watch, knowing that this particular movie will most likely have a good 50 or so quotes that girls will make their statuses for the next 4 months and that there will be some guy in it with hair that is slightly too long (but if he cut it he’d be REALLY CUTE) but since its a little too long, he manages to achieve a sort of mysterious semi-sexy identity that makes you think that maybe he’s the kind of guy you’d consider having an affair with in the distant imaginary future. And the music.. yeahhhh, the music. Half the time these girl crazy status quoting long haired possibly cute male films are only good because of the soundtrack behind the scenes.

Anyway, I like to pretend I’m that girl sometimes. Because usually she’s not necessarily model beautiful or Einstein intelligent, but she’s always striking. There’s always something about her that makes that long-haired mysterious man dive flat on his face in love. And I’m not saying I’m looking for half-way hobos to fall on their knees for me. But I like the idea. The candle-lighting, and the music, and the chevron cardigans and the neon tights. At least every once in a while.

I also realize that when I try to be this person.. it’s the Meg version of her. Which equates to a more spastic, less stylish, more likely to light my shirt on fire than the actual candle version of my romantic poetic life fantasy. Which I’m actually ok with. I’m trying here.

And I think maybe it’s because who doesn’t love being someone else every once and a while? It’s fun. Pretending. Because the reality is, I’m probably never going to be that girl. And it’s ok because I really don’t want that ALL the time. Just sometimes.

Know what I mean? Of course you do.

That’s why we love Halloween.

puking-pumpkins-2008-hot-pumpkin-carving-trend

Or actually (because you know what they say about assuming) that’s why I love Halloween.

And I’m not going to feed you a lot of bull about some abstract reasoning as to why I love it.I love it for the obvious reasons.

Because I love pumpkins.

And I love candy.

And I love drinking too much.

And I love parties.

But mostly, most of all, I love costumes.

Dressing up in costume for a night somehow just makes the evening ten times more fun. I used to spend days.. sometimes weeks.. thinking of the perfect costume. There’s just something about the whole process of it that I just can’t get enough of. But through years and years of conjuring up outfits, I have grown some wisdom in the world of costume 101. And in true top 10 tuesday fashion, I have called it upon myself, as this upcoming weekend is none other than the big 3-1 itself, to help out those in need. So they don’t make the same wardrobe malfunction mistakes I did. And so you can enjoy your Halloween, with the wisdom of someone who’s been there, who knew better and who did it anyway. So without further a-boo…

My top ten scary-good & spooktacular pieces of advice

for how to have the best Halloween costume experience

of your young adult life-

10- Listen to K.I.S.S. & Keep It Simple Stupid.

Hey, nice costume. Oh, that’s what you wear all the time? Awkward..

The simpler the better. If you are going for obscure, Halloween isn’t the time to show off how completely esoteric you can be. Oh.. you don’t know what that word means? Exactly. Same difference. Don’t alienate your audience with your supposed brilliantly unknown costume idea. Unless of course, all your friends are hipsters and think obscurity and irony in costume format are genius and thus, you can dress up as a character from Boardwalk Empire and they will totally understand your brilliance. Otherwise, you are just going to spend half the night explaining who you are and having to play damage control on the constant confused facial expressions you’ll receive after explaining your costume. The best costume shouldn’t take longer to explain than to make.

9 But if I see another FREAKING “shacker” costume…

Come on. What’s the point of dressing up for Halloween if you can’t even be the slightest bit creative? Wearing an over sized polo and mens boxers does not make you funny. It makes you an easy target for creeps. It saves guys the trouble of giving you clothes the next morning. At the very most, you have turned yourself into an extremely economical booty call.

LOL! Pick me! I’m unoriginal AND come with my own morning after clothes! #winning

Yawn.<– You see that? That’s me already bored with how boring your costume is. This also goes for Mario and Luigi, Lady Gaga and any kind of cat creature. You want to be what every one else is being? Fine. But be the effing best at it. I mean, you better be pulling freaking mushrooms out of your pocket and doing flips all while riding in on some house-trained llama painted green to represent Yoshi. Because that’s the only way I’m liking your lame-ass Mario costume.

8- slutty and sexy are not synonyms.

So many girls fall victim to this rookie halloween mistake.

Ladies. Listen to me. Less clothing does not mean you look hotter. In many cases, it reminds people why clothing exists in the first place. If we all looked like Victoria’s Secret models.. we could all join a nudist colony and just walk around naked all day. Unfortunately, you’re not Gisele Bundchen.( I know… I’m sorry too) So you already shouldn’t be walking around in the nude as it is. But then you squeeze your bodies into horrible fabrics like latex and spandex and polyester cotton and THEN because that’s not enough.. you add alcohol into that mix and start to think.. Man I make a great slutty nurse. Fishnet stalkings and a skirt that covers the top half of my ass? Sure! Why the hell not? Well, I will tell you why. Because the rest of us are left gagging on our vodka diet cokes praying that you never ever bend over.

oh no no no.

I’m not saying wear a full body suit. But you can still be “sexy” without being slutty. Wear something that fits you. Leave a little to the imagination. Do you think Gisele would be caught dead dressed as a swedish “beer maiden?” Fuck no. She’s a class act. Still not sure? Put the get up on. Snap a shot. Upload it here. Wait for a response. (sometimes the most honest advice comes from complete strangers.)

7- no one wants to dance with someone wearing a tutu. Or a box.

Considering I have worn both.. I would know. No guy wants to get down with a blob of taffetta fabric in his crotch. That stuff is scratchy, itchy and generally unconducive to all rhythmic movement on or around the dance floor. It’s like a giant colorful chastity belt. Do I even have to explain the box? Good idea on paper. In hindsight.. not practical. But hey, if you don’t want to dance by all means go crazy. Completely outfit yourself in a large electrified forcefield for all I care. God knows it will keep away the randos.

6- walk a mile in new shoes.. Another night.

Scenario: You got some killer new heels. Extra points if you’re going as a zombie for the night. They will go PERFECTLY with what you are wearing. You want to give those bad boys a test drive. Enough alcohol and bam, your feet will be so numb who cares, right? WRONG.

Because what is the calling card of every stupid drunk girl?

” uhhhh! My feet hurt guyyyyssss! I want to go home. I can’t walk anymoreee. Will someone carrryy meeee? Pleaseee? owwwww. I want to goo homeee.”

And you are thinking, ugh someone shut that zombie bitch up! Exactly. Don’t be her. Halloween is a legitimate marathon. You never stay in one place. It involves walking. Sometimes hiking if you are really crazy. And those shoes are going to give you blisters straight from hell. And you will probably lose them if you take them off.

But hey. Many of you aren’t going to listen to me. I’m right. I am absolutely right. But I’m going to go ahead and say I told you so now. Because dude you’re drunk and dressed as a zombie. You have fake blood coming out of your left ear. You eat people. No one cares about your freaking shoes. Trust me on this.

5- throw a costume goal in the figurative halloween pond. And stop fishing for compliments outside of it.

So you decided to dress as a vampire. Not a cute Cullen vampire either. A legit Count Dracula, fangs, blood, cape etc etc vampire. You’re scary as shit. So, don’t decide half-way through the night you want to be cute. You’re not cute. You are a vampire. Deal with it.

Before you make your costume, decide the adjective you want people to think when they see your costume. Cute? Then dress as a care-bear. Sexy? Be Katy Perry. Controversial? Go as Casey Anthony. Scary? Be an effing vampire. Get the idea?

But stick. to. it. Don’t become self-conscious about it half-way through. Don’t ask your friends a zillion times if you look good. Don’t question your choice. Own that costume. Because it’s horribly annoying to be the friend to the friend who all of a sudden thinks that her costume is too slutty, or too modest or whatever. It’s too late for that. If you’re a vampire, be a vampire. This isn’t hard.

4- candy and vodka are synonyms. Both will make you sick.

When we were little, we’d all go trick-or-treating and come home and barter candy with our siblings and friends and then eat our kiddie body weight in high fructose corn-syrup. And then cry. And sometimes barf. Because we ate too much. And our stomachs feel like World War 3.

And now that we’re older and wiser, we’ve obviously never learned this lesson as we now sub hard alcohol for butterfinger balls (which hello, I would so be down for like 500 of those at this moment) which results in much of the same results. Crying and then barfing.

Have we learned nothing children? Apparently not. Hopefully no one is going as a toilet this Halloween. People might get confused…

3- props are your friend! … A friend you will lose at the end of the night.

Props are so GREAT. They seriously can make a costume. Like I remember one time I was a kissing booth and I brought around a lipstick tube so people could give me a kiss and it was so fun!! …And I have no idea where that lipstick is now. Or one time I was Blues Clues & I had a handy dandy notebook! And I wish I had the clues in it to find it again… And another time I was MTV Cribs. And my crib went missing somewhere around 1AM. Do you see my pattern here? If you’re dressing as Kate Middleton, don’t wear your grandmothers jewelry. You’re going to lose everything, (dignity included) on Halloween.. don’t make it worse by losing something you actually care about. (oh! a double entendre! take that as you may..)

goodbye box.

2- strobe lights lie. (so does facepaint)

Drunk goggles on Halloween are like a sick joke made by the Costume gods themselves. Because here you are thinking you are bringing home one of the Disney Princesses, and you are pumped! Because hello! A Disney Princess is like major bro-points. Fast forward 7 hours and that girl must have eaten some kind of cursed apple because that is a straight up wickedy witch in your bed. Or a cute lumberjack who now looks closer to Elmer Fudd. Whatever. The point is, that on a normal night you have to watch out for the effects of alcohol impairing. But add some crazy makeup, a wig or a cowboy hat and you might be thinking you struck gold when all you really should be doing is striking pavement. With your feet. As you run in the opposite direction… Good luck!

And the number one piece of advice I can give you for a Halloween costume-

1- when all else fails.. do it for the story.

So your costume sucks. Oh well. Somewhere in this night lies a story that will outdo every one else’s by a mile. You might have to work for it. You might have to sacrifice some of your pride. You might have to lose your wallet, your phone, your keys, your pants. But tomorrow, you’re going to wake up with a story that you will tell your children’s children. You might even wake up with a legend on your hands. You never know. It’s Halloween. Anything can happen when you’re somebody else for a night.

So there you have it.

My ten tips to making your costume and halloween experience a booo-tiful affair. Now go have a killer weekend you crazy ghouls and boys.

Trick, treats and blackout tweets-

-m

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