She’s just not that into you.

One of my favorite things about going to the gym isn’t the hot guys or the endorphins post-session or  stress relief.. this kind of stuff can be found elsewhere. 

No, my favorite thing about going to my gym is the locker room beforehand.

Especially if I go in the middle of the day. Because Dr. Phil or The Doctors or some other talk show is usually on and it’s the perfect time for me to converse with some rando-middle-aged-large-black-lady about her love life or lack there of.

I’m not kidding. I must have Oprah written on my forehead or something because as soon as I walk in, and Dr. Phil is helping some poor soul see that standing on the side of the highway wearing a monkey costume holding a WIFE WANTED sign is not going to get the desired effects, these women get on a metaphorical soap box and start sharing things with me that I never asked nor do I want to be shared.

Example:

Yesterday, Jennifer Hudson was on some show explaining Weight Watchers and eating what she wants and for once she wasn’t singing so even I was impressed and this lady next to me (we are the only two people in the locker room at this point so not acknowledging isn’t an option) starts up a little fireside chat.

Lady: “DAMN! She look good. I gotta get on that Weight Watchers.”

Me: “Yeah. She’s lost a lot of weight.”

Lady: “My man would never eat that veggie lasagna though. He needs some MEAT! (hearty laugh here.)”

Me: “Um, yeah. Neither would.. my man? ” 

Lady: “Men need some meat on their women! They need something to hold on to! (bigger, heartier laugh)”

Me: (basically putting my shorts on backwards because I am trying so fast to get out of there and so my brain isn’t focused on the conversation as much as my exit strategy) “Um..yeah… keep that booty girl!”

Lady: Silence. Stares at me.

Me: ( truly afraid of getting my ass kicked for saying the word “booty” and “girlll” in the same sentence…. And for accidentally calling this lady fat) “(awkward laugh) Ok bye!”

Memories, I tell you. Straight up memories.

Welcome to KCMO.

Anyway, on that note–

I haven’t done a Top Ten Tuesday in a while and I’m kind of afraid my liver and bank account aren’t going to survive this weekends activities, so I thought I’d do some entertaining while I still had time.

As I was saying, Dr. Phil and other talk show hosts and the like have made their lifework from offering guidance to poor single and unhappy souls in regards to their love life. And they’re making bank. It’s not even fair. Look at Dr. Phil. He’s balding. He has a potbelly. His face is goatee-esque. And yet, these poor people are going to HIM for advice. Society, I shake my head at you. You’re better than that. Anyway, I am going to offer up some free wisdom myself. I’m not getting paid for this. I’m just really nice. And I don’t have a goatee, a potbelly or a bald head. Take that as you will.

So today’s theme..

There’s a million self-help books for girls on it. There’s even a book by the title and an entire major motion picture. But the truth is, girls.. let’s be real. We are never going to get it. We’re always going to be making excuses and would rather believe some guy we met last weekend got hit by his aunts car on his way to his brothers bar mitzvah than entertain the idea that he just didn’t want to call us. Regardless of how many male friends, books, movies, social media outlets tell us otherwise.

It’s the truth. I’m sorry. You either get it or you don’t. So I could make another list begging you to see the point, or I could reach out to the occasionally equally desperate opposite gender in hopes that maybe I’ll have more luck in that regard. So, with that..

The Top Ten Ways to tell She’s probably not that into you

(but maybe she’ll change her mind next week.

Or after a few drinks. Or when her friend gets engaged.)

10. You’re her best friend

Let me clarify. There are plenty of girls who are in love with their best guy friend. PLENTY. Girls can’t typically separate best friend and future husband/father of my children unless they truly 100% aren’t into you. In which case, they will repeatedly tell you: “Oh Ted. I’m so thankful that you’re my BEST FRIEND. I’m so lucky to call you my BEST FRIEND. You’re the BEST FRIEND a girl could have.”

If a girl wants to be more, she won’t rub it in your face that’s all you are. She won’t do this because she personally doesn’t want to acknowledge that’s as far as the relationship goes. That’s like telling your boss you LOVE your position at work and you’re SO HAPPY right where you are when you really want a raise and a promotion. That’s idiotic. No one does that.

How do you get out of the friend zone you ask? Well you could force her to watch several rom-coms about friends becoming lovers. Plant the idea in her brain. Then go off the map (seriously go off the map. Maybe leave the country for a temporary job) and come back a few months later with a girl friend and a tan. Act distant. If she still doesn’t go for this.. take a hike. It’s not happening. But hey, it worked for Ryan Reynolds. It could work for you too!

9. She’s not laughing.

Kid, you aren’t funny. Your jokes suck. Come on.. you know that! But if she’s laughing at them.. she probably wants something. Her smiles definitely not going to insure long-term commitment but if you want to buy her a drink, now’s probably the time. And let’s hope (for your sake) you have more up your sleeve than your 9-5 one-liners.

8. She does what she says. 

I’m sure you’re thinking… And what the hell does that mean?

Let me give an example: Let’s say a woman SAYS “I’m not really looking to meet anyone right now” but at the same time, she’s smiling at you, making eye contact, touching your arm etc.

…. that woman is a liar!  BS she isn’t!  I mean, I’m speaking for the majority here as I am sure there are some women who do like being single, and just like to flirt to screw with you. But for most ladies out there, if she is making signals but still saying something completely different than those signals.. I say you got a chance here.

Still confused?

Another example:  How many times has a guy taken a girl home who is saying, “Tee hee. This is so unlike me. I never do this!” but still going home with him? Guys– Unless, she just had a major life crisis or something that’s completely altered her psyche in going home with people, she’s probably just saying what she thinks you want to hear. You have to pay attention not to what is said, but how it’s said.

…..No man is ever going to understand what I just wrote. Girls, you got me.

7. She’s on her phone the entire conversation. 

This is a hard one. My phone is an addition to my body. I am CONSTANTLY on my phone. It’s a disgusting addiction. But if I like a guy I am talking to and the conversation is going well, my phone might as well be in Africa. No one else exists. Justin Beiber could call me and– ok, if Bieber calls me you’re getting the boot— but if anyone else were to call me they’ll have to wait. Simple. If we like you, we’re paying attention to you. We’re making eye contact. We are not searching the room for our nearest girl friend or BEST FRIEND Ted, to save us. We like you. We’ll stare at you. Not at our hands, not at our drink, not at our phones.. just you. Simple.

Unless Bieber calls. 

6. She’s not watching football with you. Or going to your favorite violent war films. Or  playing your stupid xbox live. Or world of warcraft. or whatever it’s called.

Any girl who acts interested in any of the above is doing it (probably 90 percent of the time) because she likes you. She doesn’t like to sit hours on end and watch ESPN with you. She doesn’t understand fantasy football. She doesn’t get why you scream at the TV when you have no control over the outcome of the game. But she’ll do it….because you like it. And because she likes you. And if she’s not, then she probably has better things to do. Sorry. She’s just not that into you.

5. she’s literally running away from you. 

This isn’t us playing hard to get. This isn’t a game. If we’re literally keeping a 50 foot distance between you and us, it’s because we very literally do not want to talk to you. That doesn’t mean you can text. Or call at 2 AM. Think of it as a force field.. if that helps.

Furthermore, if her friends are ALSO running away from you its because they don’t want to have to be the one to tell you she couldn’t care less. And that she likes some other guy she’s getting tequila shots with at the bar.

Lo siento Jose. 

4. Three’s a crowd. 

The girl doesn’t want to be alone with you? That’s not good. I’m sorry. She’s not going to make you go through an obstacle course of her closest friends and family before you get to just be with her. I mean unless she’s super religious or in a cult. If a girl likes you, she’s not going to invite her best friend along for the date. That’s a security blanket in case things go wrong (which she is probably assuming they will if she’s inviting her along). 

ok how funny is this picture?

3. She’s like really busy. with work. and family. and painting her nails. 

Women kind of suck at being direct. Most women don’t want to hurt a guys feelings if they don’t want to go out with them. So she’ll make up excuse after excuse after excuse excuse after excuse after excuse excuse after excuse after excuse excuse after excuse after excuse excuse after excuse after excuse excuse after excuse after excuse excuse after excuse after excuse excuse after excuse after excuse until you start to feel like a stalker. Or until you actually become a stalker. Then the problems all on you. Wait.. how’d she do that!? 

2. She’s not responding. 

I feel as if this would be obvious. But apparently it seems to be a problem across the gender field as a whole. You’ve texted her. You’ve called her. You’ve facebooked her. She’s not responding. I know guys supposedly don’t make excuses for why girls aren’t getting back to them but I have to think that’s a little smarter (if not slightly delusional) than just aimless constant attempts at contact with no response. Hey wise guys.. um… she’s not going to get back to you. 

And the number one way to know She’s just not that into you?

Ha. Like I’d tell you. 

Listen, we’re still girls. And some of us are absolutely nuts. Who knows what’s ACTUALLY going on up in that brain? One minute she could be classifying you with rat poison and the next she could be begging you to come to her bedroom. I can’t speak on behalf of us all because that would be crazy of me. All I know is that while I can definitely confirm that first nine rules apply as a general rule there’s always going to be that one exception.

So number 10….you’ll have to decide for yourself. 

Good luck gentlemen.

God, I am SO ready for this weekend. 

M

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