I woke up this morning with some serious anxiety.
I’m talkin’ through the roof, wake up one minute before your alarm with a feeling of dread in your stomach anxiety.
And no, I don’t think anything bad is going to happen today. In fact, I think it might be a pretty good Thursday. Not quite college-fratio-friday-esque but still…. a decent day.
..However, at the same time, today is the day that Petra comes home from New York. Which means even if I did a stellar job, I can pretty much guarantee that there is something I did wrong. And that I am going to hear about it. Which makes me wake up with severe anxiety. And fear. And an overall feeling of general dread.
Because I also really, really, really hate hearing about things I did wrong.
Don’t get me wrong. I can take constructive criticism. I’m good at trying to right my wrongs, fix my mistakes and improve on my errors. I can take the heat but that doesn’t mean I don’t hate hearing about how I’ve fallen short.
Which is why being told to follow her outside today so we could step away from the kids, made me feel like a dog with it’s tail tucked. Reallll cute.
.. Ahh, yes. Here it comes.
I am a multi-tasker. I’m organized, responsible and I really do make it my number one concern to do a job right if I care about it. Which I do in this case.
But according to Petra, I treat my job.. too much like a job. I don’t spend enough time playing. I don’t engage enough with the kids. I’m there. But I’m not really there.
…And the really, really annoying thing about constructive criticism?
When that person is right.
I’m just going to come out and say that I’m not the most maternal person in the world. I like being around kids. I love being around people so innocent and carefree. And I love Louis and I love Adina. But I’m a mom on my own terms. I’m very much aware of the fact that I am their nanny and not their mother. That I have other things to worry about. That this needs to be done, and this needs to be done and this needs to be done and I’m making mental lists and attempting to multi-task by ironing and making dinner and helping Louis with his homework all at the same time. And that I need to think about life past this and what I am going to have to do to stay in LA and trying to accumulate some kind of new friend group in California and worrying about maintaining my old friend group in Kansas City and making sure I don’t go broke, or become obese and did I let the dogs out? I can’t even remember. Is this too sugary for them? Can this be dried in the dryer? Is it after 4? I need to pick up the kids from soccer, swimming, theatre, baseball etc. etc. etc. and just before my brain explodes with an overload of things I need to accomplish before I turn 30… I look over at Louis and all the kid wants is a hug.
….BUT WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR A HUG!
Because he has a mountain of homework and he’s not getting any of it done. And that really annoys me. Because have some time-management kid! Be responsible!
Then I remember he’s seven years old. And he would rather play with his toy cars then look up words that have the “oi” or “oy” sound.
So she’s right. I need to work on being in the same room as this little boy. To be there for him when he’s here. To realize that he’s a kid first and foremost. That that, above all else, is my number one job. To be his friend. To play with him.
And I guess that’s a good life lesson you know?
To be in the same room as the company you keep. Whether that’s a little boy you nanny for or your best friends. Sometimes, I get so wrapped up in everything I need to get done and everything that I’m worried about.. someone could tell me my pants were on fire and I’d react the same way as if they’d asked me to pass them a beer. (Ok admittedly, this is a slight exaggeration.) But you get my point.
Just so you know.
(Though I doubt you’l ever read this)
I’m absolutely determined to make this more than a job. To not just succeed at being a good nanny but also improve as a person. To realize there’s always room for improvement. And that you are forever going to have to hear what you did wrong before you start doing things right.
To fail, and fail, and fail again. But most importantly, to always be able to look at the person next to you and realize, that sometimes, all they really need.. is a hug.