Why Courtney is the evil genius who broke the Bachelor mold

…But first, my thoughts on reality tv as a whole.

I hate reality television. Outwardly, outspokenly, despise it’s entire existence. I’m not an advocate for Survivor. I don’t go ga-ga for Teen Mom. I could care less about the Jersey Shore. I hate that we’ve made these people famous entirely because of their incredible lack of talent and extreme idiotic human behavior.


Have I maybe possibly by chance gotten sucked into an occasional Kardasian Marathon? Abso-freaking-lutely. And why? Because it’s fun to make fun of these people. To hate and envy (sometimes) them at the same time. To yell at the screen about what horrible, rotten, spoiled, moronic failures of human beings they are.

And honestly, for me, it’s just very therapeutic.

So it really shouldn’t come as any shock to anyone, that the one reality show I allow myself to watch on a strict weekly basis is The Bachelor. Because it allows me to yell and laugh and envy and loathe and love all at the same time. It’s like drugs. And probably most unfortunately, I am addicted.

I don’t love the Bachelor. I actually think it’s one of the worst shows in the history of ever to be put on the air….But that’s also why it’s so brilliant.

Allow me to explain. Take a show like The Jersey Shore for example. A reality tv show that has made its fortune off a bunch of drunk guido meatheads getting unapologetically intoxicated and then having sex with even more unfortunate wannabe versions of themselves. And then we, as Americans, glorified and exhalted this behavior and put Snookie as a guest star on the View. Mad props Hollywood. And hey, I think it’s great. Whoever marketed that show is incredible. They made being an asshole on public television not only socially acceptable but also an enticing cultural phenomenon. Now Frat houses all across America have a place in their household that can finally be accurately named “The Smoosh Room” without apology. Well done.

And yeah.. that’s bad. But in my mind, the Bachelor is still worse. Because Jersey Shore is what it is. It doesn’t try to hide the fact that the reason behind the show is to get drunk and fight and meet random girls in bathroom stalls (that shit cray..). They lay out all their trashy crude behavior on the table and with their middle fingers in the air declare you can take it or leave it because we’re not hiding anything.

And I admire that bold honesty. Not enough to ever go home with someone who refers to themselves as “Pauly D” but still, I respect that at least he’s honest about his intentions.

This is where The Bachelor is worse. Because in a lot of ways… it’s the same exact thing. But you’d never know that, because the absolute trash of it is hidden behind designer dresses and lavish dates and exotic locales. It looks like the classiest reality show around. In truth? It’s filth.

How’s that for bold honesty? That’s right Chris Harrison, I think your show is disgusting. I’ll still watch, I’m a loyal viewer, but mostly because I’m both appalled and impressed how this trainwreck operates so smoothly every week.

Because here’s the bottom line: there’s Snookie (wasted) eating pickles in her slippers that are bigger than her head cussing out her ex-boyfriend on a banana phone at 3 AM…and then there’s 25 girls forced to stay together in one place all falling in love with the same guy who gets to date all of them at the same time while the alcohol flows and the cattiness grows.

And I believe one hundred percent that feelings on this show are real. These girls (and guys) really fall for eachother. Which is why it’s also so terrible. We’ve made real, true miserable heartbreak.. entertaining. We watch as these people’s raw emotions are on the screen for all to see and we judge them accordingly. Feelings so private, just thrown across national television like some big media spectacle.

We’ve made it seem “romantic” for one guy to take three different girls (one of which he SUPPOSEDLY is going to marry and be with for the rest of his life) back to “the fantasy suite” (cough, cough smoosh room) in one weekend and for that to be COMPLETELY NORMAL AND OK!

Um right. In a real relationship? If your “boyfriend” had sex with two different girls the same weekend as you and said it was to help make his decision easier to decide what relationship was stronger to decide who he was going to marry, you’d probably stab him. Or at least want to. That’s called a dead-end deal-breaker. That’s fucked up. That doesn’t WORK.

Which brings me to some quick facts to prove that point:

-There have been 22 seasons of the Bachelor.

-…only 2 couples who got engaged on the show are still together.

….. fail.

And do you want to know why? Because this show stopped being about “Finding Love” a long time ago (or maybe never). It’s a publicity stunt. It’s about entertainment. When these girls lose, we as viewers win. I’m not an expert on love by any means but something tells me, they’re not doing it right.

Anyway, don’t get me started. The Bachelor is a show I love to hate. Which is why this season in particular is of extreme interest to me. Because one particular contestant has turned the tables on the show in a way that I have never seen done before.

Yep. I’m talking about that lovely sweet gentle kind girl every one is chatting about..Courtney Robertson.

Courtney is an evil frigid terrifying bitch.

…And I kind of love her for it.

Don’t get me wrong. We would never be friends. I think she’s a terrible human being. She’s cruel, and manipulative and two-faced and I’m pretty sure she left her soul in Santa Monica because god knows I’ve yet to see her show even the slightest bit of compassion or remorse for anyone other than herself on the entire show.

She’s a real life fairy tale villain. She’s tricked the prince. She’s destroyed all opposition. She pretty much killed any other princess in the vicinity. It’s not the Bachelor anymore. It’s the Courtney show. And I think she’s a genius.

I’ve said for weeks this girl is going to win the whole thing. Not because her and Ben are a match made in Heaven. On the contrary, I don’t think dear ‘ol Court will be allowed anywhere near the pearly gates upon her demise. But instead.. because from the very start this girl worked the game. She’s not trying to win Ben’s attention. She’s made it the other way around. She has single-handedly changed the rules and premise of the entire show. She changed the formula the Bachelor banks on. Ben is only a pawn in her evil diabolic plan.

I will bet mad cash in that Courtney will win the Bachelor this season. And yes, I said win on purpose. Because this is a game for this girl. And she has executed it brilliantly. Do I think Ben will propose to her? Yes, I do. And then I think she’ll leave his californian, frizzy headed winemaking brokenhearted ass for a trade-up to something more glamorous, more rich, more famous. This is a girl with an agenda. A plan. And I don’t doubt for a second she’s going to get what she wants.

Which is why I love her. Because FINALLY someone is treating this show like it should be treated. To stop pretending it’s not some game. That there’s a winner and a loser. That it’s not as much about finding love than outdoing and outlasting the competition. I don’t believe her for a second that she loves Ben or wants to be with him. I think she’s an actress. She manipulates the camera. And I sincerely hope someday, someone finally realizes she melts when you pour water over her head.

So until then, bless you Courtney and your empty callous evil soul. I hope you win. I hope you destroy Ben. Because that’s what the Bachelor is all about. Smoke and mirrors. Except this time.. you’re the one who’s doing the fooling.

….Bravo, bitch.


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