So the other day, I was in a sunglasses store.
Actually this story starts way before this, when I was on an elliptical machine in my apartment complex in Kansas City, but for the sake of time, let’s start with the sunglasses.
Anyway, I overheard this conversation:
Girl: “So, I texted that guy. And it’s been like two hours and he hasn’t responded.”
Friend of Girl: “Maybe his phones off?”
(tries on pair of sunglasses. Probably to avert her clearly lying eyes)
Girl: “Yeah. Maybe. And he doesn’t really seem like a phone person either.”
Friend of Girl: “Yeah that’s what I got from him too.”
(another pair of sunglasses. Yeah, I saw what you just did there girlfriend.)
Then, they walked out of the store, on with their silly little lives involving sunglasses and boys who don’t respond to texts.
And it got me thinking about some stuff. First, what does “he’s not a phone person” even mean?
That he’s Amish?
That he likes to mail postcards for communication over using a cellular device?
That he’s a cat?
It’s the 21st century. Unless you live in some remote village in Africa, you’re a phone person.
Second of all, ladies. Come on. And you call yourselves friends?
Let’s be real here. Let’s sit down. Let’s level with eachother. Pull up a chair and write down my wisdom or go continue living your delusional little life. Your choice.
So. Ready? Whoever this guy is, and believe me, this exact conversation is going on in metaphorical sunglasses stores around the globe, is not not responding because his phone is off. He’s not not responding to you because “he’s not a phone person”. My guess is, 99 percent of the time, he just doesn’t feel like it. You aren’t high on his agenda. He saw your text and thought hmmm, nah. Or maybe (if it will make you feel better about yourself) hmmm, not right now.
And I know you know that. You may not want to, but you do.
So that’s exactly why the excuses game was invented.
Girls, for years and years, from Wisconsin to Germany, are making excuses to their friends about why some dude isn’t contacting them. And if it wasn’t so incredibly sad… it would be hysterical.
Let’s run through some scenarios for fun shall we?
Susie looks at her phone. Johnny still hasn’t texted her. WTF, Johnny! Cindy, Susie’s friend, sees her distress. And instead of just being honest and saying, Listen Susie, Johnny’s a creep and he’s flirting with some red-head chick from the Tasty Freeze drive-thru, she jumps right into the excuse game.
“Maybe, he’s at soccer. You know he doesn’t keep his phone on him when he plays. That would be just silly!”
“I mean I bet he’s driving. Not texting and driving is good! Safety! That’s like SUCH a good quality in a man!”
“I think I heard from Bobby who heard from Stevie who heard from Jimmy that he’s getting a new phone today. I’m sure he just lost your text in translation.”
“Did you leave a message? Sometimes, my phone gets messed up and I don’t get missed calls. I’m sure that’s happening to his phone too. Does he have Verizon?”
“I bet he’s sleeping. It’s only 2 pm. Guys sleep late on Tuesdays!”
“Omg. I bet he’s surprising you at work! He doesn’t want to ruin the surprise by responding.”
“He probably ran over his grandma’s boyfriends cat on the way to his sister’s 16th birthday bar mitzvah. That’s what happened to my aunt once.”
“He’s definitely dead.”
Are all of these possible? I mean sure. But, no. That’s not the attitude you should have. Whether it’s you telling a friend an excuse or you hearing it from your friend.
Let’s just be honest. He doesn’t want to talk to you. And if he does, he will. Stop making excuses. Just accept it. You do the same thing to guys too. And I bet they’re not all sitting around going: “Gee Chuck, I texted Lizzie 4 hours ago. Do you think her phone died? I’m like really freaking out right now. Ugh!”
So here’s my challenge. Man up and stop being an excuse friend. Next time your friend asks you why you think so and so isn’t responding just be real. Say if he wants to talk to you he will, and if he’s not, well screw him. Stop leading your friends on. Stop making them feel like there’s a chance if you know (and they secretly do as well) that there isn’t.
Sure, there’s lots of fish in the sea.
So why sit around waiting on a line that’s never going to get tugged?