Lately, I’ve been having a really hard time just sitting down and writing something I want to actually publish.
I’ve given it some thought as to why this is and I’ve come to the bittersweet conclusion, I write my best and most frequent when my life is most frustrating or unhappy.
And so ironically (possibly not ironically as I’ve never really quite grasped the concept of irony which I blame 90 percent on Alanis Morisette), my writers block is directly correlated to the fact that I am- for the first time in a while- really, really happy with my life.
And so the other day (yesterday), I was running around Hollywood and I was suddenly overcome but an overwhelming sense of fear and suspicion.
Moving to California was admittedly a slight shot in the dark. I didn’t know what to expect but I certainly didn’t think I would be sitting on my bed in the basement of some family’s house that I never really felt home in questioning so many parts of my life I almost made myself sick. If I couldn’t be a live-in nanny, how could I possibly handle a “real” job? Maybe I’m not cut out for a career. What the hell is wrong with me? I could go on. But the point is, I felt like a huge failure.
This was supposed to be easy.
This was supposed to be fun.
I was supposed to be happy.
There wasn’t really a life plan after getting here but nothing was going according to what I wanted either.
And yet, I am so glad I went through that experience. Because just a little over a month ago, I climbed out of yet another heart-breaking situation only to rise above it. So, I’m a terrible house keeper. So I’d rather eat dead cockroaches than mop floors (slight exaggeration. No effing way would I ever eat dead cockroaches. But I digress) So, I’m a disappointment of a live-in nanny. So what?
Because of that time in my life, I got here. I came to LA. I met people. And because of all that, I finally, finally have a job that mirrors that of my peers. I can finish my 9-5 knowing that there is a happy hour created just for that purpose. I can wake up in the morning knowing that all the awkward uncomfortable unstable uncertain 12 months of my past since I graduated just one year ago were worth it. Because I am finally, finally working toward something. And I am finally where I am supposed to be.
I am happy.
And YOU KNOW WHAT!? There is absolutely nothing wrong with that! Tomorrow, I might win the lottery (probably not because I don’t really know how to buy a ticket.. still. But just go with me here) and be handed the keys to my dream car and meet Justin Bieber and I will take all of it with a smile knowing that life’s too short to waste it wondering why I deserve all these wonderful things happening to me. Sometimes, good things happen to good* (really Santa, I have been) people. And that’s ok! Sometimes, bad things happen. And that sucks! But you can sit here questioning why both occur or you can work to accept what you are given regardless of circumstance.
But getting stuck in your own head or getting stuck permanently in your own despair seems kind of pointless. I wasn’t happy in Malibu. I know on paper it looked perfect, but for me, it wasn’t right. So I set my jaw and accepted the bleak frontier of unemployment. I accepted that I was going to have to live out of boxes. I accepted that for an unknown amount of time, I wasn’t going to really know what was going on with my life. But I didn’t accept being miserable in a place I knew was a dead-end for me. And there’s a difference you know? I wasn’t happy not having a job. But I was a lot less happy having a job that I hated.
To me, a place is only as good as the people you are with. So you can be in the most beautiful location in the world but if you don’t have anyone there that you really care about or want to be around, you might as well be in prison. Because you won’t be happy.
So…. I’m happy guys! I’m finally going to move in somewhere where I have my own bed (this is HUGE when it feels like nothing in a room is yours). I have a job at Conde Nast Traveler magazine that I think I am going to LOVE where I work down the hallway from publications like GQ and Vanity Fair and I’m surrounded by happy people who like their jobs and their lives (at least most of the time. I haven’t had a chance to psycho-analyze everyone yet…. I’m not working in Candyland or anything. I’ve already seen a few Vogue interns run past me scared for their life. But it’s Vogue. So, that’s actually kind of fun.) I get to live in one of the coolest cities in America, maybe the world, and traffic tickets aside… I love it here.
…But I had to go through that time in my life where nothing was going right to get where I am. I had to accept the fact that I was going to have to be unstable and unsure for a while before I reaped the benefits. And I’m not naive in thinking that I am not going to continue having those times of uncertainty and unhappiness. But the difference is that I know when things are going right, when I am happy, I’m going to enjoy it. I’m not going to hide that. Because I deserve it. Because I’m worth it!
So here’s my little call to action for today. Are you happy? If so, GOOD! Don’t hide that. Grin like a freaking weirdo because you can. And if you aren’t, well then change kid! Because I am convinced that life is how you look at it. Things will never be perfect. But you can sit around at your boring job that you hate, or you can quit knowing you can and WILL do better. You can cry on your couch that your love life is in a rut, or you can actually go out and meet new people. You can hate your body and eat your feelings or you can actually put down the ice cream and go on a walk. You can be drowning in financial debt or you can stop using your credit card and start utilizing a savings account.
You can question why you’re so freaking happy and consider falling off the sidewalk to justify your new found elation or…
You can decide that maybe feeling this way is ok.
And just keep running.
Because life’s about how you choose to look at it.
And today, I choose to be happy.
So. THERE. Universe.
Bring it on.