some song by the doors

You know that feeling when you know something is finally over?

You can’t pinpoint the exact moment when things started coming to a close. Maybe it was last Tuesday around 4 PM or maybe it’s been slowly losing stability for weeks and you just now caught on that it’s your turn in some sad real life board game that no matter which way you spin it, you’re about to grab the piece that’s the game-ender.

Really though.

It eats away at you. Like this little creepy creature that sits, lurking in some unfortunate dark waiting room in the back of your mind that whenever you grow idle, you’re forced to dwell on. Like oh right. There that terrible truth is. The raw reality. That things aren’t what they used to be. Come on in. Take a load off. Make yourself at home.

And you fall into a routine. Trying desperately to get back to some previous existence. You weakly attempt to not dwell on your own sadness. To focus only on forward thinking, the positives, the good things that are taking place in your life.

But there it sits. The beast of what used to be. The grim reaper of reality. Tick. Tock. Just hanging out. Kicking in the door of your present with the reality that your past can’t be a part of your future.

You push it aside. Again. And again. And again. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Fake plastic smile. Canned imitation laughter. Cross your legs, bat your eyes and then….

Sometimes you  just get to a level where your reality is so scripted that you wake up one day and don’t know what you actually feel and what you just make everyone believe you feel. And you just.. can’t. Anymore. Today is the day  where you let it just eat you alive. You are only so strong for so long. You let it engulf you entirely with sadness and anger and confusion. You let the beast win. You become the beast. You sit on a throne of your own belligerent misery. No one touch me. Talk to me. Make me feel better. I just want to be fucking miserable dammit.

And the funny thing about doing this is that it’s the only way to truly move forward. You have to let the sad beast destroy you. You have to accept misery before you can move on to happiness. It’s Acceptance. That it’s over. That now, after being weaker than you’ve ever been, you are stronger than you ever were. The dawning new realization that if you never leave the waiting room, you’ll be stuck in some kind limbo of what used to be for the rest of forever.

And, screw that.

You’re better for it.

But you’ll never know until you say it’s over. It’s done. Pull off the band-aid. Grit your teeth. Close the book. Seal the envelope. Set it on fire! Answer the door.

Say it.

Now.

….And mean it.

Goodbye.

\\

“Never wonder what the hell went wrong–
Your second chance may never come along.”

Right?

m

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s