I’d like to speak on a subject that I know pretty well.
is the subject of rejection.
To say I’m an expert on rejection would be an understatement. To say I’m a highly knowledgeable scholar on the matter would be a sort of stretch.. but really not too far from the truth. Regardless, I’ve had my fair share of something that we all have experienced at one point or another.
It’s not something I’m like super proud of or anything. I don’t necessarily want to shout from the rooftops that I’ve had my fair share of letdowns in life. But I feel like it’s something I should probably talk about anyway, so you can feel confident that when I say takes one to know one? That I know what the hell I’m talking about.
I really debated writing this. Because I know how you kids are. You either want to either A) be written about in my blog or B) wonder if you are who I am talking about in certain posts.
So let’s just save us all the trouble and skip to that part ok?
I work like Taylor Swift in my writing. If you break my heart, you get a song. Now- I’m not a country music star with millions of fans to sing my music, so I work with what I have. And what I have is occasional moment of clarity from my real-life experiences that I put on a screen and then blast over social media. I can’t rock a guitar and make a verbal slam of an ex-boyfriend make me millions, but at least I can still say how I feel and hope maybe you feel the same.
And so I thought I’d just go ahead and say at the beginning that yes. Yes it is about you. You and you and you and you and you. And everyone else who’s ever kicked me to the curb.
But also, it’s so much bigger than that. It’s about rejection as a whole. It’s about the idea of being let down. It’s about where it’s taken me from and where it’s going to take me to. It’s about sitting on the sidelines. It’s about being second-string. It’s about the frustrating, the heart-breaking and the down-right humiliating.
It’s about my turn to play.
So let’s get to it shall we?
I don’t really remember when it started. But at some point, someone came along and didn’t follow through. And ever since then, It’s been a pretty constant stream of denial and disappointments.
I spent a good amount of high school feeling like I was the scraps of what was left over.. the remainder of all the good picks. Coming home to your mom asking how your day went and just bursting into tears. Applying too much eyeliner and wearing some kind of metaphorical shirt that said NOTICE ME!!!!!!!!!.. in invisible ink. Laughing at some boys idiotic joke about your lack of cleavage. Balancing jumping up and down on my bed blasting Avril Lavigne with the first time I was ever drunk wearing an sombrero, singing to a random guy the country song, “Stay with Me”.
Oh yeah. We’re going there with this.
It’s slamming your head repeatedly against your keyboard because you accidentally asked a guy two years older than you to homecoming via computer. And then him (very sweetly) telling you he already had a date. And then him not even actually going.
It’s talking to someone all summer long and being so excited to see them in person.. only to find out they’ve been harboring a secret girlfriend.
It’s one embarrassing night in college, My freshman year, I think I drunkenly sang to a guy I was totally in love with– “Take me or Leave me” (What is with me and communicating my love via drunken singalongs? Sheez, I’m a train wreck.) Anyway.. Thanks for still being my friend after that Elliott.
It’s about writing a long, long letter to a guy you cared deeply for and never, ever hearing back.
And I’ve been dumped through a text message. I’ve been dumped over the phone. I’ve been dumped over freaking AOL Instant Messenger. I’ve been stood up with no explanation. I’ve just been out right ignored until it was clear that things were probably going no where but no where (that’s always fun!). I’ve spent a lot of time waiting for explanations. I’ve spent a lot of time waiting in general.
I’ve fallen. And I mean on my face. Multiple times. continuously. To the point where if this was a literal thing, I would be pretty damn attractive come today.
And people will say they care…. And they’ll never call.
And people will smile and tell you the prettiest of words to your face…. And then behind your back, tear you apart.
People will tell you you’re beautiful and perfect… and then they’ll say the exact same thing to the person right behind you.
People will lie to you.
They’ll make you cry.
And then? Worst of all?
They’ll forget you faster than you can say “See ya never.”
And that’s the truth.
Because I know I write about happily ever after and fairytale endings a lot. And I still believe in those things. I refuse to not believe in them.
But the truth of it is that before you walk out into that sunset, and jump in the car with that knight in shining BMW, you gotta take the bus next to the creepy homeless smelly people for several rounds.
So on that note—I think by now if you are reading this.. and you’ve been reading for awhile, you know that all I really want to do for the rest of my life, is write. I love what I can do with words. When I finish writing here, I’ll re-read it maybe 20 times, making sure every word is just right. And then I wait. For you. For your approval.
The other night, I was debating posting something and I asked a friend to pre-read it and after she told me she liked it— I was like, “Yeah, but do you think other people will like it?”
And then she said, “Who cares what other people think? It’s YOUR writing.”
And dammit, she’s right.
Because I’m pretty good at getting rejected by people. By girls. By guys. For who I am. For the person I really can’t help but be. Because I’ve grown comfortable with the fact that if someone can’t accept that I don’t fit their equation of awesome… well, then they probably never deserved me in the first place.
But my writing. That’s like putting that person that I can’t control…on display…for everyone and just asking them to reject the thing I love the most in the world.
And that’s terrifying for me. You guys are basically reading my diary. It’s like I just set the lock to my journal on fire and read it across P.A. system of the internet.
So yeah, I’m a little afraid sometimes to share what’s on my brain. But each time I write, I find something. It’s that–most of the time, someone somewhere feels the same. Someone gets what I am trying to say.
So I’m guessing.. and maybe it’s just me.. but I’m guessing you’ve been rejected too. Maybe a lot of times.
And if so?
Well here’s my secret:
One day you wake up and you realize, it’s never going to end. For the rest of my life forever and ever, I’m going to keep being let down. Maybe it won’t be a constant stream of boys breaking my heart, but someday (and knowing me.. probably soon)– I’m going to fall on my face again.
And then one day? I’m going to get my big break. Take that as you will. Because I don’t even know what that means yet. But I think.. I think it means that one day, someone’s going to realize everything I do is straight gold.
Long story short, I’m not afraid of a little rejection. I’ve gotten this far in life by myself. With no one there to catch me. And I’m the best I’ve ever been. And personally, I think I just keep getting better.
So I’d like to personally thank all the nay-sayers, all the haters, all the people who pretended to hold their hands out–for never catching me.
“Because even the biggest failure. Even the worst. Beats the hell out of never trying…”
Fall on soldiers.
I’ve got your back—