Taking a poll tonight.
How many of you girls (guys too I guess) think the ideal place to meet your ‘soulmate’ is in the dairy section of a Whole Foods?
Maybe they accidentally spill coffee down the front of you in a rush at a Starbucks?
Then you are all angry but you look up and BAM!
The world goes quiet (minus the birds).
And it’s like Hi… I’m (you stammer here, because you’re blown away at your instant intense infinite mutual attraction) so and so. And they laugh (with a perfect pearly white smile) and offer to buy you another but just so they can know more about you. And you’re all well I’m late but.. here’s my number call me maybe? and then Carly Rae Jepsen shows up and is all STEP OFF BITCH, that is my line. And then you blow up Carly with your eyes and the guy is all wow, can i take you shopping? And you’re like baby, you can take me anywhere.
Or something like that.
Yeah? Now ask yourself this question. Out of all the couples and married friends and everyone you’ve ever dated, WHEN IN GOD’S NAME have you or they or ANYONE ever met in a grocery store aisle?
Because no one meets in the grocery store aisle. You want to know why? Because face to face sober rejection is probably right up there with setting yourself on fire.
No one is asking you out in the frozen foods section not because you’re not cute. It’s because you go to the grocery store and you buy your milk and you peace out. You don’t hangout in the freezer section and pick up chicks. You don’t leave your number on the freezer fog left on the glass door after you pick out your vegetarian lean cuisine. (Though this is a legit idea, thanks wintergreen gum commercials).
Because unless people start going to the grocery store a little drunk, the bar scene is going to continue to be the place to pick up strangers and the grocery store is going to continue to be the place you pick up your milk.
And I hate to be such a debbie downer especially when a story like meeting a guy at a starbucks after he pours his entire boiling drink down the front of my moderately priced shirt is something I would totally aspire to achieve. If I really thought it was a possible meet cue don’t you think I too would be going around to Starbucks’s across the city of Los Angeles with superb clumsy hope that I survived such a delightful encounter without sustaining 3rd degree burns? Wouldn’t we all?
Instead, we meet the opposite sex in dark lit places without a caffeinated beverage or frozen poultry in sight. Where our dignity is safe. Where we are just another slightly shadowed blurry face in a sea of the same. And then we get mad because we can’t find anyone who stands out to us.
But you know what they say guys.
They: “The right person will come into your life when you’re not looking for them.”
Well, whoever ‘they’ is can kiss my wish on a shooting star ass because that is pedigree hallmark card bullshit. Because here we all are pretending Santa Claus doesn’t exist but secretly wishing he does. Like Oh, I’M NOT LOOKING RIGHT NOW UNIVERSE, this is just me casually scanning the crowd for future “friends”. Yeah. I wore this low cut dress FOR MYSELF. I shaved my legs FOR ME dammit.
Last year my parents celebrated their 25th anniversary. That’s 25 YEARS of commitment. Like holy shit. I can’t even commit to plans next Wednesday much less the next 25 years. Anyone out there want to be stuck with me that long? Really? Meet me in the grocery aisle. I’ll be waiting by the frozen pork loin.
And you know what, bite me universe. I’m not LOOKING, I’m just casually ASKING.
Anyway, no offense to marriage as a union but right now my plans involve just hanging out with someone I really like for forever. I’m thinking we could have a bunch of weddings. Like maybe skip the marriage part and have 27 weddings.
Whatcha doing this weekend? Oh ya know. My hypothetical hangout partner and I are having our 12th wedding in Tibet! Dude, come! It’s 80’s themed! We rented alpacas. Shit is going to get WEIRD.
Yeah. That is definitely something I could get on board with for 25 years. Maybe get a dog. I don’t know. I’m just talking now.
Seriously though, I think my real hesitation with marriage stems from my relationship FOMO. Because I like the game. And I hate the game. But I like going to the grocery store too guys. Because I don’t just need bananas, if you know what I mean. And I’d love for someone to break the hollywood mold and prove me wrong. But it’s cool that they don’t because if I do happen to meet my soulmate at the check out line that means the end of a lot of firsts. And I’m not really down for that quite yet.
No more crushes? No more waiting around endlessly for a weeny ‘what’s up’ text? No more making awkward eye contact!?!?!?! (which I love. Awkward eye contact is my jam.) What will I do at church if that happens!? What will I do at stop lights? On elevators? Escalators? Moving sidewalks? Actual sidewalks? I can’t handle meeting my soulmate in front of the finely packaged cheeses. I just can’t do it yet. I can’t handle the pressure.
But I suppose when I meet that right person— that will be ok.
For right now though, the end makes me even more sad than my endless miles of single-dom. I don’t want to be that person who’s so focused on finding someone to make me more myself that I never do the things I personally really want to do.
Want my advice?
It’s a little subjective since I’m 23 but whatever.
Move somewhere because YOU want to. Do things because YOU want to. People are going to judge you no matter what you do so make them talk about you on your own terms.
Don’t be afraid to look behind you and not see anyone following. Don’t be afraid to look ahead and see no one leading. And then after all your doings and seeings and beings are complete, don’t be surprised if you look to your side and someone has stepped into rhythm beside you. And you know what? Maybe that’s not your ‘dream man’. But you can bet your ass it will be people who truly care about you and who you stand for.
I remind myself this a lot.
Whenever I feel discouraged. Whenever I feel lonely. Whenever I feel like I’m playing it safe and wasting the talent I’ve been given. I just keep reminding myself. Never sit still. Never be that person in the elevator who doesn’t even acknowledge those around them. Never settle.
I don’t have all the answers. Obviously. I don’t even think there are answers most of the time. Just questions that follow questions and different directions people take and learning and learning again. You just have to keep falling for the wrong people and making the wrong decisions. Maybe ask out some girl in the grocery aisle and prove me wrong. I’d love that.
And so maybe ‘they’ are right. Maybe what ‘they’ say is true. Maybe the right person does come along when you stop looking. But maybe they just meant that when you stop looking for someone to make your life better, you start realizing–
You know what?
I’m going to make my life awesome all by myself, thank you.
Wrapping up your tuesday dose of Beyonce-powered blogging —
This is Meg.
Go get yourself some coffee America.