am a human slinky.
But more about that in a moment.
I was driving to work today thinking (a dangerous pastime indeed) about an old relationship I built up in my head for years and how I’ve finally reached a certain peace with the past tense of it. I used to think all this suffering, all this pining, all this wanting and missing and hurt has to be for SOMETHING right? All the pain from the past can’t mean nothing for the future. But there’s also that little voice saying, ..But what if Meg? What if it does? What if it was all for nothing? You are never, ever, EVER getting back together. And HOLY SHIT, just like that Taylor Swift, That’s finally ok with me.
And maybe I did build this mountain that I seem to be climbing. Like I constructed this thousand foot tall shit pile and then I nodded at myself and was like yo, sappy freak, better start walking moron, you got some emotional mileage to cover. The mountain doesn’t even exist for them. They saw a detour where I saw a wall. They kept walking and I kept climbing an obstacle I devised in my own head. And maybe that knowledge still kind of feels like realization version of chugging an entire carton of milk. Like it will make you vomit but it won’t necessarily kill you. Maybe it always will. But on another hand, to say it was all for nothing, wouldn’t be necessarily true. You occasionally look down from your metaphorical potentially made-up mountain climb and realize, I’m a little closer to the sky than I am to the ground. And I like it here in my head, bitches. I like the person I’ve become in your absence.
You realize the difference between want and need when you are forced to pick between the two. I think that’s also the difference between hope and faith. Hope suggests the ever-so-slight chance of doubt. Of failure. Faith suggests that no matter the course, success is inevitable. Because you believe, that whatever happens, happens with a greater plan. Failure becomes merely another lesson in learning who you really are.
I like to choose faith. I want to have faith. I want to believe that there is a bigger plan for myself out there. I envy those who just believe. For me, it’s something I have to remind myself everyday. Have patience. Be persistent. Fail with dignity. Learn to be humble of your success. Find the light where there appears to be only darkness. Keep pushing. Keep smiling. Keep trying.
I’m not a religious person. I WANT to believe in God in the same way that I want Santa Claus to be real and for X-men to secretly exist and that I can still somehow, some way go to Hogwarts and become a wizard. I don’t say that to be funny, but that the way I wish these things were real is the very same way I HOPE there is a God. I have hope. I want faith. And I can’t force myself to believe when my hope is rooted in logic and logic always seems to have priority in my head. But I keep hoping one day, faith won’t be something I have strive for, it’s just something I’ll have. That believing in a higher power will become part of me and not something I have constantly try to achieve.
Kind of like waking up one day and realizing, you actually just ‘wanted’ something you thought you ‘needed’. The difference between moving and waiting around. The defining realization that you actually believe you are better off. That moment of crazy clarity, where you’re like HOLY SHIT. This is what I need to do. I don’t want that. I need this more. I believe it. Santa Claus is real!
I keep saying I’m going to write. But the truth is, I’m already doing it. I’ve been doing it. You’re reading the tip-top of my iceberg of success. You’ve read for over two years now, how I’ve gone from writing casually about my sadness of graduating, the pain of post-grad existence, the frustration of not knowing what the hell I want to do, the acceptance of moving on, the decision to announce that something that started as a hobby could become my career. You’ve read how I’ve grown as a person, with the security that I may not know the exact path, at least I’m moving down one with the confidence that I’ll figure it out along the way. We’re looking down from my mountain together. Look at who I’ve become guys. Seriously, look at who I’ve become.
I. Am. Mother. Freaking. Resilient.
Your faithful writing neon-colored slinky.
Clumsy and constantly falling all over myself, but dammit Hasbro, if I’m not a timeless and classy little creature despite all this.
So yes, I’m going to make my 6th grade English teacher proud that when I got a 100 dollar scholarship from the local bank for my essay, “When I grow-up, I am going to be a writer”, I meant it. And despite my occasional lapses about my grand plan, religion aside, I have faith in that. I know I need it more than any guy I’ve ever fallen for, more than any disappointment I’ve ever experienced, more than any insult I’ve ever let get to me, more than being rich and more than caring about being poor.
And I sit here with nothing but nothing waiting for me, but the faith that something is coming. And that the people and situations that have failed me in my past, are merely the steps along the way.
So… welcome to my mountain.
I’m your slinky tour guide.
I’m not really sure about my purpose
..or my plan
..or even really where we’re going.
But at least you all can have faith…
…that I’m going to entertain you in the meantime.
The mountain is calling and I must go.- JM