My bartending interview (aka how I got a reality surfboart to the face)

I’ve been meaning to tell you guys about the worst interview I’ve ever had.

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When I first moved back to Denver, aka like 1.5 months ago, which might as well be a century as far as I’m concerned because I feel like I lived in LA during a dream hosted by Katy Perry and narrated by Snoop Dogg, and keep pinching myself back to the reality of my current life, BUT ANYWAY I digress.

The interview was just 2 days after I returned from my California Girlz Dreamlyfe and I was feeling pretty proud that I nailed something down so quickly. Go team Meg! This particular establishment was at a ComedyWorks in Cherry Creek, Colorado which if you know anything about anything in Colorado, that’s just a nice way to say where rich people go and politely laugh at up-and-coming comedians. And most likely get wine drunk and hit on the bartender which is where I was supposed to come in because my brilliant plan was to serve drinks at this particular establishment while I figured out my next life steps.

I must once again emphasis how badly this particular interview went. Not to stay so topical but it actually was “comical.” In like a watch a hamster try to eat a piece of cheese on a string out of it’s reach kind of way. For reference, I’m the hamster here.

The interview went as follows:

Interviewer: “Ok, so I’m first going to tell you about the position and then I want you to name some kinds of alcohol, how to make a few drinks and then finally pour a shot for me.”

Me: *IMMEDIATE PANIC AT THE REALIZATION THAT MY MIND HAS BLACKED OUT EVERY SINGLE ALCOHOLIC BRAND EVER* “…Ok, yeah, cool.”

Interviewer: “The sound the teacher makes in Peanuts comics because no one is listening to anything they are saying…”

Me: (inner monologue). “Ok Meg. You can do this! You’ve been drinking since you were technically 18 years old. Probably before that. Sorry Mom. You can name a few brands of alcohol. How hard could this possibly be? Vodka. Ok Vodka. Svedka. Grey Goose. Uh.. Skyye? GREAT. I have vodka down. I hope he asks about vodka. Ok what about rum? Uh.. Bacardi. Captain Morgan….

Interviewer: ” So, that’s the job! Now ok these questions. Let’s start with bourbon. Can you name three brands for me?”

Dammit. What is the difference between bourbon and whiskey again? One is nicer? One is smoother? Shit. Who am I kidding? I don’t know.

Me: “Knob Creek.”

Interviewer: “Nice. That’s not one people normally name.”

Me: “My dad drinks it.” Lies. My dad drinks one kind of drink and that is Miller Lite. Which is actually kind of LAME dad. But it’s ok. I just know Knob Creek, because duh the word knob. Hilarious. Also I like the label. Minimal with a kind of vintage feel. Good work Knob Creek.

Interviewer: “Can you name any others for me?”

Me: “Uh… no?”

Interviewer: “That’s fine. How about three kinds of red wine?”

Me: “…Cabernet. Um. Uh.”

OH MY …..GOD!? This is possibly the most eye-openingly embarrassing experience in my alcohol-related adult life. I kid you not, I literally could not name 3 kinds of red wine. Am I a girl? Am I human? What have I been doing for the past 5 years? What is going on? Is this the matrix? Jesus Christ…. Would be embarrassed right now.

Me: “Sorry.. I don’t know three kinds. I mostly drink whiskey?”

Not an excuse. I know ok. But I was grasping at straws here. Melting a la frosty. Hey interviewer, do you want to build a snowman?

Interviewer: Laughs awkwardly. “Ok.. what about the ingredients in a mojito?”

Are you EFFING kidding me right now!? I don’t think I have ever drank a mojito in MY ENTIRE LIFE. I don’t like that bitch sugar bish. Alcohol gods, why have you forsaken me?? Lord. Mercy. Help.

Me: “Uh.. no. No, I can’t.”

Well, why don’t you just wrap me up with a bow and feed me to the unemployment sharks now, asshole.

Interviewer: “… ok. Well, that’s about it! Thanks for coming in today Meg.”

Me: “Yeah, of course! When will you guys make your decision do you know?”

Why am I even asking this? I am never getting this job. Like ever. LIKE EVER.

Interviewer: “Next week sometime.” (You’re never getting this job. Like ever.)

And so concludes potentially the worst interview of my existence. I spilled out of there like a flubber. Like green toxic slime. Wow. That could not have gone worse. I’m an idiot?

And also apparently know nothing about basic?? alcohol preparation.

I got to my car and I burst out laughing. What a performance ComedyWorks! There is actually so many hilarious components to what just happened I didn’t know where to start. I guess, I mean, I wasn’t like walking in there with my alcohol pistols slinging like a bartending Annie Oakley but I’m not like an exclusive sprite drinker or anything. I drink regularly, and I’ve been to liquor stores before and ok, whatever, I get it. I’m not explaining myself to you guys. I have much to learn. And much shame.

And which I suppose this leads me to my bigger point, which if you know me at all won’t be the least bit shocking. In that, you can think you know something so well, but really you just know what you think you know and nothing more and it’s just a piece of the picture but hardly the whole truth.

For instance,  I have lived in “Denver” for almost 16 years of my life. I should know A TON about Denver right? Well… I don’t. It’s the bartending interview equivalent of previous city dwelling experience. Somehow, despite my many years of being in Colorado, I know almost nothing about Denver anything. I know the stereotypes, that flat-bills reign supreme and that everyone get stoked wearing their Merrells while drinking their micro-brew beer. And when I first came back here, it was my lack of knowledge about this city that made me so opposed to it. I assumed I knew it. I assumed I understood it. I didn’t and I don’t. And that’s a lesson in itself.

You can think you understand a job, you understand a situation, you understand a relationship. You understand your own plans, your own life. You understand an entire metropolitan city. You get it. You have the upper hand here. You’re in control. Driver seat. Walk in like Beyonce. Sit down like Jay-Z. Like a boss. But then, BAM. Knowledge Surfboart. To the face. Makes you completely reconsider and reevaluate yourself. Makes you look at everything from a new angle. Makes you realize you know nothing at all. And you just can’t help but laugh. Because life man.

And it’s good for you. Those little life zingers. Maybe I don’t have this figured out. Maybe I don’t know this as well as I could. As well as I should. And then you stand up, shake it off and then, most importantly?

Well.

3 kinds of red wine: Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, Malbec.

Mojito Ingredients: Rum, Lime Juice, Sparkling Water, Sugar, Mint

Bourbon Whiskey is a kind of American whiskey, aged in a barrel, made primarily from corn. Maker’s Mark, Evan Williams and Wild Turkey are all types of Bourbon.

….just be better next time.

Cheers,

M

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